The blog of Gow (Tannicus), fiction and ramblings of the Coyote.
Plus a picture I have found from Florence, Italy
Published on September 18, 2004 By ShoZan In Just Hanging Out


So in this article I will attempt my hand at a short story which for all intents and purposes I have not done since about the fourth grade. I am now 23 and in college, but hey if at first you don't succeed try try again, right? Well let us see how bad or good I do first.

In order to do this on the spot and get it out to everybody all I will be doing in the meantime until I have the time to go back and revise it is checking for spelling errors. So you have been forewarned that there may be some grammar and punctional errors. Sorry for that ahead of time.


Dream
(Title is WIP)
By Lord Xiozan Black

The man wiped the sweat from his forehead and looked around. A mist had set in as the moon settled high above him. The temperature was beginning to drop but with the humidity and mist he still felt as if it was a hot, boggy swamp. He walked forward stepping through the forest but with fatigue set in he step was a labor as the man trotted forward. His clothes were disheveled and covered in certain spots with dried, caked on mud. He had the look that he had been running from something for so long but yet still cared to out run it despite his fatigue and exhaustion. He took a break against a tree and felt the cold moisture against his hand and as he set his back against the tree could feel the dew that had collect on the bark seep through his shirt. After a momentary rest he looked all around all was quiet except for the normal sounds of the forest. He than stood upright with strained effort than preceded to tread forward with each step a struggle.

He took a step forward and heard a scream as if it were right next to him frightening him completely. Looking around he could not see from whence it came but another scream was hurtled at him piercing his eardrums with such agonizing sound. He ran with all of his might with whatever was left in him trying to outrun this scream. He ran dodging trees but eventually the long hard running and fatigue set in as he began to stumble and trip. He fell forward as he saw a tree come close to his face as he fell forward than nothing...black, pitch obsidian black.

Than a light came forth from the blackness he felt as if he were being lifted to the light. Floating upward towards this pulsating light he could here the sounds of an unearthly world. The sounds chilled his bones as he ascended higher and higher. Right before he was able to touch the light....

"Sir are you alright you were in an accident, sir hello sir?"

The man opened his eyes to see an individual's face looking further he saw that this individual was a man and wearing the uniform of an Emergency Medical Team. He tried to get up and as he did he felt a huge throbbing in his head a painful throbbing it felt as if somebody tried to bash his head in.

"Sir, are you alright?"

The man was unable to answer, and with his hands reached for his mouth. Something was missing he felt it and with his fingers to his horror felt that his tongue was missing as if it was cut right out. The man screamed and than realized it was the same scream he heard in the forest, but where was he in a forest or not? He looked around and he was in a city and close by was a car wreck. Than it came back to him, he had been driving and saw a mysterious figure come out in front of his car for a flash which caused him to swerve hitting an oncoming car in which he hit his head on his steering wheel. Now he wish he had purchased that car with airbags but why was his tongue missing. The EMT looking at the bewildered man answered
"Sir we noticed your tongue was missing but have been unable to locate it in the wreck. Not to mention for some reason that wound of yours is cauterized if you bit off your tongue it would still be bleeding. Strange we cannot figure it out. From your injuries and the wreck your tongue should not have been bitten off, but what is even stranger it does not look to be bitten off as it is cut off."

With this answer the man went crazy and the EMT responded with giving him a sedative. The last words he remembered the EMT saying before his eyes closed was "Sir we are taking you to the Hospital please try and remain calm."

His eyes closed there was a pitch black once again and he could see absolutely nothing.

Than a figure arose in front of him, the figure left off a dark glow so that the figure could be seen in the pitch black. The man realized it was the mysterious figure and panicked. The figure just let out a wry smile as the being spoke:
"So good of you to return I had only got your tongue and I need more of your organs for my work, plus I do enjoy your screaming it is like music to my ears. Though don't worry I will make you dream of running through a forest once again while I operate."

-END

Copyright © 2004 Erik D. Stebbins All rights reserved.

So what do you all think?
Good?
Bad?
Indifferent?
I know it needs to be longer but heck I was going for short, short story because I want to go to bed tonight.

Well that's it for me for now.

Until I arise again, Good Night and Good Day, than a Good Evening.

Deathly Yours,
Lord Xiozan

Comments
on Sep 18, 2004
Interesting, but I would like to see more before I can comment anything about the story, and as you yourself do realise, it isn't finished. Who's the mysterious figure? Why did he do this, what work is he talking about? And why this victim? Certainly hooked my interest.
on Sep 18, 2004
Nice and gory.
on Sep 18, 2004
Read it out loud and see if it flows. It's stilted in places but pretty sound I'd say. It's almost like the prologue to a longer story. The only thing that really bugged me was the line " Now he wish(ed) he had purchased that car with airbags but why was his tongue missing." Quite possibly the least likely thing to be thinking or doing if you realised your tongue was missing. "Dammit my arm's fallen off and I didn't get the alloy wheels!" Nah...

Were you inspired by The Mummy?
on Sep 18, 2004
Interesting, but I would like to see more before I can comment anything about the story, and as you yourself do realise, it isn't finished. Who's the mysterious figure? Why did he do this, what work is he talking about? And why this victim? Certainly hooked my interest.


Well I will get around to revising and lengthening this story either today or tomorrow (maybe but not a definite).

Nice and gory.


Yes, but it could be made even more gory with a nice plot that is yanked right from underneath the reader's feet.

Read it out loud and see if it flows. It's stilted in places but pretty sound I'd say. It's almost like the prologue to a longer story. The only thing that really bugged me was the line " Now he wish(ed) he had purchased that car with airbags but why was his tongue missing." Quite possibly the least likely thing to be thinking or doing if you realised your tongue was missing. "Dammit my arm's fallen off and I didn't get the alloy wheels!" Nah...Were you inspired by The Mummy?


True it probably does sound stilted in places. I should probably not write when I am sleepy. Yes I agree, looking back now I should have stuck the bit about the airbag before he realized his tongue was missing. I will keep that in mind when I do a revision and as for the Mummy being an inspiration I would say no. Though in the Mummy the guy did lose his tongue that was not the only movie I have ever seen where people lose their tongue. Plus I was trying to go for a body part that you would not realize was gone until you tried to speak.

Yes this could end up being a prologue for a longer story, hmmm one about a figure who does 'God's Work', muhahahahahaha.
Something like that, I will figure it out when I put more thought into the subject and work on the revision.

-Shozan